I'm still a kid inside...

and I am fooling myself with each passing season. No, I am really not. I feel myself slipping into the grownup faze of life...and it's not so bad. I think it has to do with work. I have a new store manager who expects a lot from you...but is willing to give you the support and guidance you need to accept the responsabilty.

My way of dressing is changing...I think I am into a mode of reinvention.

I realizes...

I am still not cool. No matter how much I wish to sit at the cool kid's table...it ain't ever going to happen. I just don't have that cool on line cache.

Better experienced in person...in the moment.

Pretty okay with that...need to stopping checking Facebook.

A friend died...

this week. He was not a close friend...he was someone Bob and I knew through the Black Horse. His name is Tommy. He worked as a bartender at the Fawcett Center and was one of the gentlest people I have ever encountered.

His death has upset me.

Tommy, I hope that you are walking on that warm Florida beach you talked moving to. Roll up your cuffs so they don't get too wet and pick up beautiful shells for all of us.

I will miss your smile.

Two Days Together...

...off is a rare thing in retail...especially recently with our company. I am getting the feeling that the company is wanting anyone who is in a management position to pretty much be willing to live at the store and bleed Chico's.

The big buzz phrase currently is accountability...as in "You will be held accountable". What does this mean...really? We are expected to make phone calls and have appointments and get people into the store. But what happens when you do everything correctly...everything the company asks you to do and people still are not coming into the store or if they are, they are trying stuff on and not buying. How am I accountable for that?

Gerri that I work with called me tonight to tell me that she had her biggest dollar sale ever. The sale was $2000+. DAMN! I was so happy for her because our store has made our plan for the month and that means that any money we make from a sale is doubled...which means she will get $300...a very well deserved and much earned $300.

So... what I really want is three or four days off. Two never seems enough. The days go so fast and I never get done all of what I want to get done.

I think I am just tired...doggedly tired and feel like I am constantly playing catch up. Sometimes because of my schedule Bob and I don't see each other except for minutes at a time.

The end of the month we are going to New Orleans with friends and I can't wait. Still doesn't seem real.

I am behind...

the times. Just when I was getting into the blogging thing everyone goes to Facebook. I have found two people on Facebook who I have missed for eons and had relegated to that part of our life we remember yet forget...but here they are. That is the cool thing about this whole computer thing which I have no clue of understanding...really never want to understand...it's just some scary magic that happens.

Good Morning America did a segment some weeks back about the Internet and what we have available to us now versus ten years ago. It has been spectacular leaps and bounds. I remember Bob getting his computer and us hooking it up. I remember going into Chat Rooms and I wrote poetry with someone. I was so computer illiterate and I was gobsmacked. It felt creative, it felt fresh...and now chat rooms seem to be something to avoid. I still remember "talking" with people who were up late at night and just wanted to share their thoughts about their day or their opinions about a subject. I think the day I had the poetry moment Moon Zappa was in the same chat. It all felt positive and creative...and now going into a Chat Room seems like going into some dark space. No more poetry...it's just pretty much out front "dude41"...what ARE YOU WEARING????"

I think everyone should do the crossword puzzle. We have all lost our knack of language. i have always loved words. I love the sound of them...the musicality..the dissonance...I love words. One of my favorites is anathema. It is one of those words that sounds like what it means....I understood the sound of it but it toook me4 years to look it up and means just what it sounds.

I miss that this isn't something anyone reads anymore, but if anyone does...I appreciate it.

It's my Carrie Bradshaw page...just like Bob always said,

Drinks After Work...

are a wonderful thing. I closed tonight with Vicki and we went to the Rusty Bucket for after work apertifs. Vicki is the coolest person...she is strong, funny, grounded and at times has been my sounding board and has always offered good advice. She came to Chicoland while she was still working for Chase in a management position. Her insight has always been invaluable to me.

Bob and I went to see "Virginia Woolf" last night. I had auditioned for the part of Martha (see past blog) and wasn't sure how I felt/feel about the show. I had done the part of Honey years ago with a stellar cast...at the time, I remember feeling like I wasn't up to the rest of the cast....like I wasn't pulling my weight. The whole rehearsal process of the show I was involved with was an adventure and a terror and so much fun in the DRAHMA of the whole thing. Norm, who played George, almost had a nervous breakdown...maybe not really but he became paralyzed with fear a couple of times in rehearsal...so many lines...didn't realize until last night how much George is on stage. I always thought the play was about Martha but last night's production was about George. I didn't agree with some of the choices made in the production but I think it's because they came at it from a differant angle.

Ii was singing and dancing at work tonight. We have finally gotten a good CD with stuff even the customers sing to...it also made me realize how much I want to be acting again. I just want to be out there and saying something, and expressing something and connecting. That's what acting is to me....it's connecting. To the people on stage with you...to that moment...to that quicksilver moment that is magic...to that one moment in however many performances that you hit some truth...of life...of yourself...it is an indescribable feeling...and it is rare. When that magic happens...when you have connected with your audience...you have told a story and gotten people INVOLVED....that is brilliant. To be a part of a show that has touched people...it is such a high and so humbling.

Ii remember years ago when I did the show "Fifth of July". It was maybe the first weekend of performance and one of my fellow actresses said to me " You have no idea of the power that you have."

The only place I have felt totally fearless and safe is onstage.

Pain...

My husband has been it for the past week. He has a tooth that needs be pulled due to a root canal gone bad and has had a hurting mouth, head...where ever that little sprout of pain wants show up...for the last four days. He has dealt with all of the hurt remarkably...but about this kind of stuff, he does tend to be stoic. Doesn't totally go into the cave. Needs small cuddle and then retreats. I feel bad for him and there was not much I could do for him this week except give cuddles and know to go away when he was growly.

I hope he feels much better when the offneder is removed.